Ultimate Complaint Letter

Ultimate Complaint Letter

If you ever have cause to complain to a company, by all means copy and paste this 🙂

Dear Cretins,I am writing to complain about the appalling way in which my recent claim was handled by you.
From your company, I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties – or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading materials as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office. Firstly, it took me an hour to get through to your useless department, only to be told that I had to call ANOTHER insurance company, Royal and Sun Alliance as they were the ones who would be dealing with my claim. I duly called Royal and Sun Alliance, only to be told by them that they were sick to the back teeth of you doing this and that it was YOU who were supposed to deal with my claim. I sat on my fat arse for a further 2 hours listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website and that my call was important to her. I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes, an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

I finally got through to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that you ARE the ones dealing with my claim (and someone will call me back), that you ARE NOT the ones dealing with my claim (and someone will call me back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not you are dealing with my claim (and then been cut off), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not you are dealing with my claim (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not you are dealing with my claim (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman)…. and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle moments to attend to.

Frankly I don’t care, it’s far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.

Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought AutoDirect were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers.

How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum – incompetents of the highest order. AutoDirect – wankers though they are – shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver – any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief – although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my friend’s cat litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you, and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit – they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards Touchline, and it’s worthless employees.

Have a nice day – may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

Yours psychotically,



One Response

  1. admin January 12, 2008

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